Now that’s a new term for me…not a new experience, however.  Not new for any of us.  We’ve all felt guilty or bad about ourselves due to someone’s manipulation.  And, let’s admit it, we’ve all done it once or twice ourselves.

Emotional blackmail is using manipulative techniques to get someone to do what we want them to do.   It’s the stereotypical Jewish or Italian mother—”It’s okay, I’m dying here, but you have your own life.  Go on enjoy yourself, don’t worry about me here all alone, day after day.”

Guilt isn’t always bad.  In fact, it can spur us to the right action and make the world a better place.  When it’s used against us at times when we haven’t done anything for which to feel guilty, then it’s emotional blackmail.  And  it doesn’t feel good at all!

There are ways to spot it and ways to stop it.   And that’s the good news!  You don’t have to continue to be held hostage by your blackmailer.

Your first step, if you think you’re being emotionally blackmailed is to get some support…a life coach, a therapist, a good friend who can be brutally honest with you.   These support people need to know how to help  you spot the difference in emotional blackmail and boundary-setting.

Here’s hoping you can free yourself from emotional blackmail in 2012!

While I’m waiting for my Sherwin-Williams account confirmation e-mail, I thought I’d post a few of my thoughts on this New Year Day.  At church this morning, the Pastor talked about the three perspectives necessary for change to happen: retrospection, introspection and projection.  Retrospection is looking back, taking an inventory if you will.  Introspection–looking inside and projection is looking ahead to what can be…what we’re meant to be.  Too many times, we get stuck on the past…regrets, remorse, our story as if it’s absolute truth that we have been victimized by others, by circumstances, by our family or people we thought were friends.

Or we get stuck dreaming about a future that isn’t moored in any kind of reality at all because we’ve forgotten one of the most important perspectives in the whole scheme of it…introspection.  Who are we?  What do we value?  What are our strengths and talents?  What is our pain?  One of the wisest things the Pastor said this morning is that our pain is tied to our purpose.

WOW!

So, this year, let’s resolve to take the lessons from our past usually learned painfully, piece them together in this jigsaw that is who we are, set our sights on higher planes and then let’s live each moment to its fullest, always, always, always keeping our inner vision on our spirit rather than our ego.

It’s a big undertaking, but I’m hopeful I can take one giant step forward this year.

The best of New Year’s wishes for your continued giant leaps forward.

Just read an article by one of my favorite Life Coaches, Martha Beck.  I’ve long  heard the addage, “If you spot it, you’ve got it” and that has proven true in my life as much as I hate to admit it.  If you spot control issues in someone else,  you’ve probably got them yourself.  If you spot manipulative behavior, guess what?   It isn’t flattering, is it?

But in this latest article, Martha says that the opposite is also true…if you spot insight, you might have that too!  Whoa!  By this time, I’m paying attention to the article, right?  Because it’s so much more fun to think that I have all these positive qualities than to think about all the work I have yet to do!

So, the process Martha recommends is to pick a person who gets your hackles up…write them a letter—one that you aren’t going to send, of course, but write what bugs you about that person when you’re at your lowest.  Then re-read the letter and change the name…that’s right…change the name to your own.  OUCH!

Now when you re-read it, you can spot this ‘flaw’ in yourself and you have the power to do something about it if you want to…

BUT here’s the great part…

Pick someone whom you admire and maybe, sometimes envy.  Write them a letter telling them all the things you admire about them.  Re-read it and then, you’ve got it, change the name to your own!

Wow!  Doesn’t that feel great?  You admire yourself!

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who’s the fairest of them all?

YOU!

Happy Thanksgiving!

When you’re down and troubled
And you need some loving care
And nothing, nothing is going right
Close your eyes and think of me  and soon I’ll be right there…

Remember that song?  Baby James, Carol King…well, some of you might not remember, but it’s a classic.  And like any classic, the message is universal and timeless.  When I’m down and troubled, it’s because I’ve forgotten that I have so many blessings in my life…so many things for which to be thankful.

Like a wonderful family.

Like my health.

Like all the advantages of living in the United States.

Like my friends.  I don’t want to miss any opportunity to let them know how grateful I am that they are in my life and have allowed me in theirs.

When I close my eyes and think of them…soon I’m feeling great again.

This quote from A Course in Miracles:

Through our creations we extend our love, and thus increase the joy of the Holy Trinity. You do not understand this, because you who are God’s Own treasure do not regard yourself as valuable. Given this belief, you cannot understand anything.

A Course in Miracles says “Ours is simply the journey back to God who is our home”. Every day, there’s a roadblock or a detour on that journey, but what resonates with me is the pure and simple statement of the destination. With my eyes on the destination, ego cannot distract me and my spirit is freed to act as a GPS to take me home.

– If I followed the Yellow Brick Road to the Wizard…or to a REAL wizard, like Harry Potter…or better yet…Hermione Grainger…I would ask for:

I have just started reading Nine Rooms of Happiness by Lucy Danziger and Cathwrine Birndorf, MD.

The premise of the book is that happiness is like a house…there are 9 rooms in our inner house and according to the authors, only one room needs to be neat for us to be happy….sure, why not? I’d be ecstatic if I could keep my den organized!

Uh oh. I just gave you an insight into one of my issues!

I’m just to the place where we begin to create our floor plan…which rooms are connected and which rooms are the largest because those rooms obviously are the source of some issue, though not necessarily a bad issue. I’ve already discovered that my kitchen is incredibly huge in my inner house. As it should be…it’s the source of great joy as the kitchen symbolizes for me time spent with loved friends and family. But it’s also the room I associate most with weight and food, so the kitchen being huge isn’t totally a great thing.

The big pearl from this week’s reading? Researchers have determined that each of us has what they call a “set point” for happiness that’s determined at birth, but this only determines about 50% of our happiness quotient. 10% is determined by life and 40% is all up to us…and I think that has to do with what we choose to focus on, how we choose to react to life and whether or not we choose to manage our emotions or let them manage us. Once again, we are the authors of our own life! I love it when research aligns with one of my core beliefs!

Next in the book, readers learn to furnish their inner house. I’ll keep you posted.

I’ve always loved the classic movie The Wizard of Oz.  Most of the time, I relate to Dorothy Gale, but this past week, I counted several ways I can relate to the Wizard.  Not that I’m real excited about that, but there it is anyway…

Ways the Wizard and I are alike:

1)      Sometimes I just know that everyone else thinks I’ve got some kind of supernatural power because they’re all asking me to do something for them.

2)      I’m positive that  any second now a little black dog will pull back the curtain and everyone will find out I’m a fake…just a little illusionist from Missouri who is just as lost as they are.

3)      Even though I don’t have any supernatural powers, once I stop trying to be someone I’m not, I can surprise myself with the wisdom and power I do have.

4)      The thing I do best is help others understand that they’re more compassionate than they feel, more intelligent than they think and braver than they know.

5)       Sometimes I blame the balloon for where I am.

How are you like the Wizard?

My dad turns 88 this month and his doctor says he’ll live into his 2nd century on this earth. You know, Dr. Oz would be appalled by his diet, but Jillian Michaels would praise his level of activity! I remember old commercials for a certain yogurt that would show centenarians grateful to the food for their longevity. My dad isn’t a fan of yogurt.

I think the secret to his continued good health is his positive attitude. He has never entertained the idea of his own death for very long; never worried that he’d have health issues he couldn’t lick; never allowed himself to develop anxiety over the harmful effects of caffeine, sugar or bacon. But maybe the most important habit my dad’s developed over the last 88 years is his gratitude. He’s never made much money, being a teacher by trade, but he’s always felt rich; he’s never held a position of any status, but he’s always known his worth. For these things he’s been grateful.

And of course, as he likes to say, he’s just got good genes!

I hope I inherited those!

Happy Birthday, Dad!